The Daily Climb

My daughter and son in law recently tramped over the Tongariro crossing. It took them 6 and half hours to cross between the mountains. They said it was difficult to do but rewarding to have achieved it. The first hour was easy, and they enjoyed the ever-changing vistas along the way. It soon got harder, and exertion and effort replaced the easy stroll.

It was great that they could have a break from the children and do something together. It is also a great metaphor for the marriage journey.

Have you ever noticed that falling in love is easy but walking in love is more challenging? Well the science is in. Apparently falling in love or feeling in love, is because a chemical called dopamine is released in our brain when we first attracted to someone. But after 24 months this chemical is produced way less and when the feeling of love subsides somewhat, we have to choose to love or begin to actually love. This is the reason for the old saying “Love is blind, but marriage is an eye opener.” This refers to the fact that in the falling in love stage, the character flaws or imperfections of the other party are not able to be seen for the brightness of the sun shining out of them. The rest of the saying “Marriage is an eye opener” is not true for it is time that is the eye opener. After every couple has lived together for 2 or 3 years, and the dopamine has dwindled, peoples eyes are opened to see all the things they never saw when they were “in love”.

This explains why so many couples who were head over heels in love 2 years ago, when breaking up today say, "It’s amazing, they just changed" or "They didn't turn out to be as captivating or charming as I thought” or " I found out things about him which annoy me and I don't like" Well, welcome to reality. Your chemical drug has worn off and now you're seeing them without your rose-tinted glasses. They’re not unusually bad, they are just ordinary people.

We can't say we truly love someone; until the dopamine has waned and we are choosing to walk in love for 15 years maybe 50; until we have fallen out of love and choose to keep on loving.

The true lover is not someone who can feel in love with 15 different people for 2 years but someone who can love just one person for 30 years.

Of course, chemicals don't completely leave our brain after a few years, and other chemicals like oxytocin flood our bodies for a few days after physical intimacy. This is a blessing which remains throughout the rest of our lives together. It helps us to feel bonded and helps us get past the idiosyncrasies, habits, personality quirks and annoyances we and they, have to live with every day.

Falling in love is like falling from a high mountain. Because of gravity it's inevitable, effortless, exhilarating, heart pounding stuff but learning to love and choosing to love is like climbing up a mountain. It's hard work that also gets the heart rate up but when a couple climb the mountain of love everyday over decades, they prove their love for their mate and create a refuge of the stability for their family. They actually produce in their lives, the very character qualities they should have been looking for at the start, if they weren’t so "blinded by love". Qualities like commitment, patience, putting the other first, being considerate, etc, and these qualities can produce a feeling similar to being "in love" but for the total length of relationship. Their love begins to reflect the love of Jesus who continues to love us even when we are unloving or unlovable.

As it turns out, He is the divine provider of short-term chemicals and the producer of lifelong character.

Friends, we don't need to fall off the mountain with someone new we need to climb the mountain of love today, with the one we can truly love.